Thursday, September 11, 2014

Seasons: To thine own self be true.

"This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!"

As the days pass turning to weeks and months, so do the seasons. Each season brings with it a stage of its own presence. Spring brings about growth and renewal, while summer seems to be the the time to revel in the beauty that spring carried to our doorstep. Beyond the expected notions of each season I've have discovered my own view of the seasons....and why we often think of our lives as seasons.

As I look back over the past couple of years, my life has really been about the seasons. This ebb and flow of details, emotions, dreams, plans. This past spring I felt a lot of growth in my self. I discovered that I have to be true. True to me....."to thine own self be true."  

I have always thought that I was being true to myself....eating the foods I liked, or watching the TV shows I preferred. Or even reading books and articles that interested me. I figured I had things covered...but as time has passed I realized I wasn't being true to myself at all...heck I wasn't even sure what it even meant.

Life is hard. The arrows of shame, guilt, despair, inadequacy are all being thrown at us. Sometimes those arrows make contact. Each time we are hit with those arrows they leave a mark. Our hearts can be wounded or even broken. We retreat and build walls in order to protect our hearts...our soul...our true self.. 

Its no secret that I experienced some pretty horrible arrows as a child. Sexual abuse changes who you are...who you become. Its an arrow that pierces through each layer of who you are. It damages your true self to the core. That damage will always be there. It may heal over, but it leaves a deep scar. That scar eventually builds up and encases your true self....traps it within. 

My true self was damaged at 7 yrs old. There were lots of other little nicks and pricks...but when my marriage slowly crumbled right before my eyes was a piercing blow, yet again. But this time that blow allowed a little of the true me to seep out. I realized that I was only wounded. That I could pull myself to safety. That I could protect myself. I began fighting back. I stood up for myself. I began speaking my truths. I found my voice. I realized that all these years I hadn't been speaking my truth. I compromised too much. I gave in too much. I sat silent too many times. I ignored my inner voice....I had given up.

A wise friend told me that some day I would just KNOW when enough was enough. There wouldn't be lights and sirens or even a parade....that my knowing would come over time. That it would evolve....and it did. I began to realize that the things I had thought that I liked , I really didn't. I began to call upon and listen to that inner voice...the one that I had silenced for so many years. That voice became louder and louder....and now I cant shut it off. It is telling me to be who I have truly always been ...who I was meant to be.

I now know what I like and what I don't. I know what is acceptable and what isn't. I don't have to give so much of myself that there is none left. The people that are in my life can be there solely by my choice. And its not about them...its about me. Its about gradually coming into the beautiful creation that our Heavenly Father intended for me to be. The self that I have always been ....but now with the scars removed....the walls down. I can fall down and get back up. I can do whatever I want...I can be whomever I choose. I am free.

With each passing day I have evolved from one season to the next. From a flower in full bloom, to petals falling settling in for a dormant winter to only be reborn in the spring. With each change....with each season I become more empowered, more capable...more true to thine own self.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A work in progress....

... that's me at the moment. So much has happened in the past 2years. I'm in a "place" I never imagined I would be.............45yrs old and single. Some days it's liberating, some days it just plain sucks! But that is where I am. I am still uncertain as to where I am headed or what I am doing day by day but I know I will get there...eventually.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Where have I been...

I'm not really sure how to answer that question. There have been a lot of changes in my life...our families lives the past 6 months. The one thing I love the most (writing/story telling) and I haven't been doing that. Why? gosh i don't really know. I suppose that there has been so much "dark" that I have let it over shadow the "good". 

There have been some major changes in the dynamic of our family and it saddens me. I have often felt like we are no longer a "family", but in reality we are...we are just a different kind of "family"

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am coming out from under my rock....

I'm going to just use an umbrella until the storm passes

I need to write...I need to continue living in spite of the I will. I am ...
I am back!

Thursday, March 07, 2013

4 months and counting....

Where has the time gone? So much has been going on and I hate that I have neglected one of the very things that helps me stay grounded...writing.
 Since my last post we have celebrated another wonderful Christmas...spent with family and filled with love.

We settled Len's work comp case...and such began the search for a new job.
In January, I finally parted ways with my job after 2 long grueling years. It was time to move on. The emotional blackmail was just too much for this girl too handle.
As we moved on from that we began some great remodeling projects here at the house. Finishing off 2 of the "burned out" rooms from the original house, opening up the mud room and remodeling the kitchen.
(I will have to load photos another time...they are not on my computer so not easily accessed)
In February, Len and Adam flew to Tennessee to move Matthew and his family back to Montana. I was over joyed to see, touch hug and smother my little grand babies. I am in love!
I have been horrible about taking photos (other than on my phone...but you can see most of those by following me on Instagram. I'm known there as iluv2scrapp)
I need to get focused and fill my heart and soul with the things I love of those being my art. Whether it be scrapbooking or my photography...I just need to find my footing and that's the best way for me.

There has been a lot of chaos in our lives lately. Lots of changes, some good and some not. Lots that needs to be said, but I'm just not ready yet.
For now this blog will be about retrospect...and introspect. I need to write and create. Its all part of my process. Who knows maybe I'll even get some projects completed and posted to All Things Creative

So you've been warned! (lol) :o)

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

5 months later....

What the heck? Why have I not blogged in 5? That's just plain crazy! I guess there hasn't been a lot going on...just regular life stuff. 

So maybe I will just do a quick check-in for the past few months.

We had a great surprise from an old friend! One of our favorite church missionaries came back to Montana to visit. We were so happy to see Elder Justin Brown and his Dad...he is a pretty special guy to our family!
We had a great Sunday afternoon with the Hill's hanging out in the Yellowstone River.
We celebrated the marriage of Len's niece Jasper. She married a great guy...John. We are so happy for them

We ended the summer with a great trip to the lake! We had a lot of fun and as you can see the kids certainly enjoyed the tubes

School started again. Caleb as a Junior and Michaela as a Sophomore. Where has the time gone? wasn't it just yesterday they were headed off to HeadStart?

Of course Wyatte was adjusting to being a big brother just fine...and Wade was getting bigger everyday!
Our little slice of paradise fell victim to the dry summer. Pine Creek burned like there was no tomorrow. Here is a view of the smoke from our backyard:

We took our annual drive through Yellowstone Park. 
Ln and my brother-in-law Denis took the kids on a hike, while Julie and I stayed behind with Joshua and the dogs. 

After their hike we had a nice picnic lunch
Had a great time soaking in the Boiling River
And enjoyed seeing a small herd of mountain goats


We had a creepy visitor for a while. She hung out on the back porch
Michaela turned 15

We had fun taking some family portraits
And even more fun taking pictures being goofy 

And being silly with cousins
I even took a great family portrait for the Hill's

 Before we knew October was here. The kids had fun dressing up for spirit week at school. Michaela was Wonder Woman for Super Hero Day
 The first storm of season rolled all its glory

The kids had their annual Halloween Choir concert. 
Caleb was dressed as his hero...Kermit the Frog.
 Michaela heads out to trick-or-treat in the fairy costume Nana made for her

The kids high school, Park High won the Class A title in football. Something that hasn't been done in 40 some years. Sadly it reminds me of my alma mater, Santa Ana Valley High...
At the state semifinals game which happened to be Veteran's Day weekend, they had a tribute to all our Veterans. Len was honored to carry the US Marine Corps flag
We froze our butts off!! The first real storm hit the day before and man it was COLD!!!

This time last year was a rough time for my we celebrated the life of my nephew 
Charles "Mack" Porter, III... who was tragically killed in a drunk driving accident. In honor of Mack, as a family we all joined together for a balloon release. It was bittersweet.

 Last week was Winter Formal.....Caleb looked so handsome...and his date, Jackie was stunning

I don't quite know how I let this get by me. I guess one day passed and then another...then a week and another...and here we are 5 months later. Shame on me! 
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and  I am so thankful for my family. They are true blessings to me. I love them very much!
Hope you have a great Thanksgiving Day...gobble till you wobble!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Wade Thomas Claar & Tennessee Part 1

Wade Thomas Claar
7lbs 11 oz
20 1/2 inches

****WARNING this post is photo heavy...and I mean heavy!!!****
We headed south the morning of June 16th. 
After 30+ hours, 1805 miles and 8 states...we arrived in Tennessee!
The drive was an adventure to say the least! Len's poor dog had gotten into a few things in the greenhouse the day before we left...and needless to say he shared that with us the entire way. Our drive time was quite longer with the frequent and very much needed potty breaks. All things considered only one accident was welcomed. 
We drove over half way that first day...coming to stop in Salina, KS. We rolled in about 3am! After a fairly good night sleep, we headed out again! We didn't really get to see much of Kansas as it was dark when we drove through, but we trust that the rumors of there not being much to see are true!
We stopped for a nice relaxing lunch just outside St Louis, MO. We were so excited to have Taco Bell with a Sonic right next door!
After another long day of driving we finally arrived in TN about 9:30pm!
Len was the first to hold 'lil Wade!
Wyatte couldn't wait to show us his toys.
I was thrilled to see my little man!!
He looks so much like his Daddy it's unbelievable!
After finally getting to bed, the next morning (early afternoon) we just couldn't wait to take the kids (Caleb & Michaela) to Waffle House!
We dined on yummy eggs and hash browns loaded with greasy goodness...and of course topped off with some waffles! The Claar boys were in gluttonous bliss! It was yummy!
I just love this photo of Wyatte playing "chickie-chickie-bock-bock" better known as Angry Birds!
 He rocks that game!
After  our yummy brunch we headed home to relax. I finally got to spend some time with our 'lil Wade!
 It was amazing how alert he was. Until the darn camera flash...
 He was soon tuckered out from his first "photo shoot"

 We spent the next week just hanging out. Between the heat and having a brand new baby none of us really wanted to go far. The boys helped Matthew with some landscaping around the house and also helped dig an underground fence for the dogs. It was hard work in the heat...but they did have fun all working together again!
Here are a few pics just hanging out!
 Wyatte takes down Uncle Boo for being "mean"...
 But was thrilled that Uncle Boo would play with him in the pool! Wyatte was so was so cute to see Caleb in that tiny little plastic pool having a great time with Wyatte! Caleb is still a little kid at heart!
Although not my best look.....I just loved snuggling with my baby boys!

Of course Wade was passed form person to person...and every once in a while he would escape our clutches and chill on his own.
 And on occasion he was stolen from me by his Daddy!
 Wyatte just loved hanging out with his "Auntie". Here they are making brownies!
I had to jump in and help because Michaela was having a hard time stirring such a large batch. Wyatte helped me scrape the batter into the pan.
Wyatte makes such a good "big" brother! So gentle and's so sweet!

One evening it finally cooled off enough that we went on a nice walk along the Greenway in Clarksville. 
 The 4.6-mile Clarksville Greenway follows an abandoned rail bed on the outskirts of Clarksville north of town. The greenway meanders along a creek through a route canopied with large trees. 

 Both of these photos are at the trailhead. It was beautiful.
Of course we went in the evening and by the time I thought about taking more photos while we walked it was getting pretty dark. Actually it wasn't that dark...but the canopy of trees kept back the beautiful sunset. My camera did not like the lack of light and on one was patient enough for me to make this is what we have! UGH!
One day the guys just wanted sit home and "veg" on video us girls...and Wyatte & Wade took a drive around town. Michaela was intrigued by the grapes that were growing at a winery
 And Wyatte had to go!
Of course I have TONS more photos to share...but my bum is numb and my fingers are getting this post is about to end...and a Part 2 will have to follow tomorrow! I'm pooped!