"This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!"
As the days pass turning to weeks and months, so do the seasons. Each season brings with it a stage of its own presence. Spring brings about growth and renewal, while summer seems to be the the time to revel in the beauty that spring carried to our doorstep. Beyond the expected notions of each season I've have discovered my own view of the seasons....and why we often think of our lives as seasons.
As I look back over the past couple of years, my life has really been about the seasons. This ebb and flow of details, emotions, dreams, plans. This past spring I felt a lot of growth in my self. I discovered that I have to be true. True to me....."to thine own self be true."
I have always thought that I was being true to myself....eating the foods I liked, or watching the TV shows I preferred. Or even reading books and articles that interested me. I figured I had things covered...but as time has passed I realized I wasn't being true to myself at all...heck I wasn't even sure what it even meant.
Life is hard. The arrows of shame, guilt, despair, inadequacy are all being thrown at us. Sometimes those arrows make contact. Each time we are hit with those arrows they leave a mark. Our hearts can be wounded or even broken. We retreat and build walls in order to protect our hearts...our soul...our true self..
Its no secret that I experienced some pretty horrible arrows as a child. Sexual abuse changes who you are...who you become. Its an arrow that pierces through each layer of who you are. It damages your true self to the core. That damage will always be there. It may heal over, but it leaves a deep scar. That scar eventually builds up and encases your true self....traps it within.
My true self was damaged at 7 yrs old. There were lots of other little nicks and pricks...but when my marriage slowly crumbled right before my eyes .....it was a piercing blow, yet again. But this time that blow allowed a little of the true me to seep out. I realized that I was only wounded. That I could pull myself to safety. That I could protect myself. I began fighting back. I stood up for myself. I began speaking my truths. I found my voice. I realized that all these years I hadn't been speaking my truth. I compromised too much. I gave in too much. I sat silent too many times. I ignored my inner voice....I had given up.
A wise friend told me that some day I would just KNOW when enough was enough. There wouldn't be lights and sirens or even a parade....that my knowing would come over time. That it would evolve....and it did. I began to realize that the things I had thought that I liked , I really didn't. I began to call upon and listen to that inner voice...the one that I had silenced for so many years. That voice became louder and louder....and now I cant shut it off. It is telling me to be who I have truly always been ...who I was meant to be.
I now know what I like and what I don't. I know what is acceptable and what isn't. I don't have to give so much of myself that there is none left. The people that are in my life can be there solely by my choice. And its not about them...its about me. Its about gradually coming into the beautiful creation that our Heavenly Father intended for me to be. The self that I have always been ....but now with the scars removed....the walls down. I can fall down and get back up. I can do whatever I want...I can be whomever I choose. I am free.